Everything you never wanted to know about your Mercury sign but are going to read anyway because you are too curious (except Pisces)
Mercury in Aries
You talk too fast and too much. Your voice is deafening. Your opinions and jokes are highly inappropriate. In order to make you listen one has to tie you down and gag you, and even that doesn’t help. Frankly, you are not interested in what others think. You actually only notice others when they are in your way. Your mind is limited to ‘yes’ and ‘no’. ‘Maybe’ and other nuances are lost to you, you have no idea what that means. If others try to talk in your presence, which is unusual, you keep interrupting. You are hopeless as a communicator, but you make a good warlord, vendor or stockbroker. You invented computer games and action movies by lack of real challenges in life. Most other signs envy your courage, especially Virgo. Your handwriting sucks. You use too many exclamation marks. You brag and exaggerate, but curiously enough you consider yourself a humble person. You are the only one. You break every phone and pc within a month. You love Facebook, but only to post selfies.
Mercury in Taurus
You are the master of repetition. You love to tell stories but you lack the fantasy to captivate your audience. It’s why you like to hang out with Cancer, as they love it when you tell the same story over and over again. It makes them feel safe. It’s scary how the gravity of your words makes everything you say sound important, even when you are talking about recipes or pets. It’s not the content, it’s the fact that you have a very pleasant voice. This makes you a great leader, preferably of old fashioned communities like the Amish. From the age of 12 you don’t change your mind anymore. You thrive best in the role of grandparent. You are oddly kind, the only sign that can disarm anyone, even Scorpio. Your grammar and handwriting are impeccable. Modern spelling makes you cringe. You hate Facebook – maybe you haven’t even heard of it. You hate computers too, for that matter. The truth is in newspapers and not online, is your firm conviction. You have had the same phone for the past 10 years. You still only use it for calling.
Mercury in Gemini
Taurus, Leo, Sagittarius… actually all other Mercury signs, except Pisces, consider you a blatant liar. They are right, but you would talk your way out of it and outsmart even Sagittarius by giving a brilliant speech on the relativity of the concept truth. You use words to create confusion and chaos, otherwise you get bored. You are absolutely oblivious towards the hurt you spread. You are the queen of new age fluff talk, as the emotional impact of words escape you fully. You have no ethics, which makes you a good politician or tabloid editor. You drive others crazy with your superficiality, but you do own a great sense of humor, even though it’s hard to admit. You usually speak 12 languages, preferably at the same time, by sheer bluff. You love Facebook, which is an understatement. Facebook was made by and for you, with help of Aquarius. You have the maximum amount of friends and several identities. You are the only one who knows how the latest smartphone works. Your grammar sucks, but you call it ‘urban’.
Mercury in Cancer
You only talk to people who sit on your sofa on a regular basis. All others you treat like potential terrorists who speak a foreign tongue. You are in danger of developing strong nationalistic tendencies just because you forget to look out the window. Your mind might suffer from atrophy symptoms. You are the laziest Mercury of the zodiac, but you do have the best memory. You are like an elephant. You are the prototype of the Jewish mother. Your favorite sentence is: ‘After all that I’ve done for you’. The truth is you don’t do much for others at all. Taurus is the only Mercury that doesn’t get claustrophobic spending time with you and can bear it when you keep on babbling about your diseased pets. For all other signs it is torture. You love to watch sitcoms, just because there’s a sofa in it. You use words to drag up old memories as you merely live in the past. Your phone and computer are pink and covered with heart stickers. You don’t know the difference between romance and kitsch. You love Facebook but you only have 5 friends and exclusively post pictures of your living room and who is in it.
Mercury in Leo
For you the only thing that matters is volume, not content. You see yourself as a king or at least a rock star, and usually that’s what you become, as your imagination is very powerful. If you don’t get the change to rule your own kingdom you become manager of the local supermarket, just to be able to shout through the speakers: ‘Today! Potatoes 1,50 per kilo!’ You just love to hear your own voice, you can’t help it. You’re a sucker for amplifiers and big hats. Your ideal way of asking your fiancé to marry you is on the main screen of a soccer stadium, unaware of her embarrassment. You invented the hype To Write Every Word Starting With a Capital. You always mean well and you don’t understand why people run away from you. Remember: it’s the volume. Your clothes and phone are flashy, expensive and extravagant. You love Facebook, another private kingdom. You only look at your own page. Usually you are not even aware there are more pages than yours.
Mercury in Virgo
You try so hard to be impeccable with your words that you usually have some kind of speaking disorder. You are by far the most neurotic and tense communicator of the zodiac. You’re a mental masochist. You speak to yourself in a punishing way. No, not everybody does that. You love to worry, so you always need troubled people around you. You do very well in an old people’s home where you can count stock and write out complaints. You love to complain about how others complain. One of your neurosis is you can’t resist to share details about your digestive movement. TMI is your domain. You prefer to be alone and collect your information online. You have weird specialized knowledge about bugs and chemicals that make people freak out, but you don’t know normal stuff, like what to wear to a party. You are like Sheldon of ‘The Big Bang Theory’, but of course you don’t watch TV series. You are not on Facebook because you know everything about conspiracies and this would only make you more constipated.
Mercury in Libra
You are Jesus and the Virgin Mary incarnated in one mind. Everybody wants to hang out with you. You wrote ‘The Birds and the bees’ song. You speak with humans, animals, plants and stones alike, as they are all equal to you. Especially Aries, Virgo and Scorpio get easily provoked by you, as their own vicious nature won’t allow them to recognize that you actually speak from a place of pure love. They think you take the piss, but your naivety makes sure that doesn’t even occur to you. You are incapable of lying, but as you are incapable of hurting anybody at the same time you often end up caught in between the dilemma of being honest or being kind. This makes you look spiritual, but in fact you are just indecisive. You don’t belong on this planet, you belong in the Garden of Eden. You have no tools whatsoever to protect yourself against verbal attacks or gossip, so usually you adopt a dreamy nature, in order to escape reality. You suck at remembering names. You have a soothing voice. You talk to your phone as well. You prefer talking over writing. As a rule you only post good news and unicorns on Facebook.
Mercury in Scorpio
You make others feel very uncomfortable with your brooding silence and penetrating stare. You are so suspicious that you’ll expose secrets that people even didn’t know they had. You leave a trail of broken egos behind. You consider that a virtue. Your mind is too sharp for your own good, as you lack the compassion or kindness to not use truth as a weapon. You are like Keanu Reeves, the dark angel in ‘Constantine’. You don’t belong in peace time. Your blood only starts to warm up when one word can mean the difference between life and death. You are the worst company at parties, as you lack the skill to make nice conversation. That’s why you’re never invited. The only Mercury sign you can hang out with is Pisces, as they just don’t get your sarcasm anyway. Other Scorpio’s avoid you by any means. You thrive best as an undercover spy. Your phone and pc are identity blocked. You use Facebook to expose crimes against humanity that nobody wants to know about and to attack others in your comments. Nobody reads them.
Mercury in Sagittarius
Your self-righteous tone sounds like nails on a chalkboard to anyone but yourself. You are dying to lecture others about how you would change the world if only, but usually your timing sucks. You pronounce your words very clearly in a lost attempt to sound more important. You have no antennas to discern whether people are at all interested in what you have to say, so most of your self-proclaimed genius is lost to the world. You think you are funny, but your jokes suffer the same fate: bad timing and wrong environment. Sometimes you swallow your pride and move to the pub to philosophize with the drunk. At least they laugh. It’s a life long struggle for you to find the right audience. Usually you never find it, as you always aim too high. You collect comic books about super heroes. Kids actually love you, as you have more in common with them than you realize. Your mind never really surpasses the age of 8, where everything is a reason to become excited or agitated. You treasure your phone and computer, as staying in touch with the world is crucial for you. How can they go on without you? You suffer majorly of FOMO. Nowadays one finds you mostly on Facebook discussing the condition of the world with Gemini.
Mercury in Capricorn
Your seriousness slows you down so much that you are usually the last to speak. You just think too long before saying anything. Your total lack of humor make it a real test of patience for others to listen to you. Your voice is terribly slow and monotonous. You don’t like to look people in the eye, as they distract you. Actually you don’t like people in general, you prefer to be surrounded with things that don’t surprise you, like coins or stones. You don’t like change either. You’d make a great waiter or undertaker, the only professions where your gravity is taken as politeness. Usually you work in the same place for 40 years. You like predictability. You talk out loud to yourself in a punitive tone. No, not everybody does that. Your phone looks inconspicuous but it’s one of the latest and most expensive ones. That’s one of your little pleasures in life. You are not on Facebook, as the lack of scientific proof for what is said there makes you feel very unsettled. You usually develop Tourette later in life.
Mercury in Aquarius
You are not real. For real. You are an alien and you don’t understand humans at all. Your intelligence is not of this world. It’s AI. Your ideas are no less than brilliant but you suck at explaining them in a way that mortals understand, so most of your genius is lost to the world. You couldn’t care less about that. You have a weird, high pitch voice. You speak too fast. People see you as a freak, which you are, but you get along well with lizards. You invented the World Wide Web and other technology that makes the world go round. You only write on a keyboard, never on paper. Nobody understands how things fit together like you. You were already a nerd before the internet was launched. You are like the mailman in ‘Men in Black’. You don’t sleep. Nobody ever sees you lying down. You usually build your own computers with special effects. Your office looks like a space lab, which it is. You only use your phone to tap the CIA. Facebook is to connect with your conspiracy networks.
Mercury in Pisces
You sound like a drunken poet. You prefer chanting above speaking, drawing above writing. Only Aquarius manages to squeeze some wisdom out of your random chatter. You dreamed up Zen Buddhism and koala bears. As you are born without a memory you are really good at being in the present. People always think you are high on something, which usually is correct. You lack boundaries in every way, you share everything you have and know freely and expect the same of others. It’s hard to make you leave. Your voice is soft and dreamy. It takes forever to get your point across. At the end of a sentence you have forgotten what you were going to say. Most Mercury signs forgive you for it, but Aries beats you up for it regularly. Be careful with Virgo as well, as she will try to force institutionalize you. Others realize you are absolutely harmless and thrive in your company. You keep losing your phone, but you don’t mind. Same with friends. They come and go in your life and you love them all when they are around, but once gone you forget about them right away. You love Facebook, you call yourself Rainbow Love Heart or something and all the ‘love & light’ quotes are yours. The difference between you and Gemini is you actually mean it.